Yesterday was blog day, at least officially. I, however, spent the day in bed unable to work or sleep due to the pain in my body. Everything hurt--my skin, my bones, my head, my muscles. Silly me. I had forgotten that the side effects of a certain vaccination that I blithely took the day before, thinking, "Maybe this time, the second dose, it won't be so bad." It was worse.
So the day ground on; my eyes hurting enough I couldn't read or watch TV. My plan to type on the laptop was a fool's notion. I listened to podcasts and drifted in and out such that I couldn't really say what the podcasts were about. I desperately chugged some Nyquil, just so I could sleep through the pain. And there you have it--a solid 24 hours from my life--gone.
It's a Full Stop. I have seen it before, in my life and in the lives of others. It is hard not to resent it and look back at it and say, "What was THAT about??!??"
But this is not really a bad question. We can't always know the answer, though we will not stop trying to guess at it, but it is good to look at the times we lose our self-definition through activity or productivity, and struggle mightily to know we are still beloved and have nothing to prove. I think this is particularly difficult in the current culture (the current state?). My sense in bed yesterday was that I was not moving forward (with my own plans?) so I was sliding backwards--ever backwards. I should know better. The Full Stop is the opportunity to let go, regroup, and reevaluate.
I admit I am still working on the answer to what the Full Stop is about. Christianese will say it is God trying to get your attention. Meh. Maybe. I prefer to see it as a realignment of our paradigm--to see ourselves as helpless yet in His arms, valuable for being made in His image, and established in life--for life's sake. Maybe that's the same thing. Over ten years ago when an accident damaged all my gates of perception, and I experienced the ultimate Full Stop for more than a year (in spite of my effort to keep going just to end up with those wheels spinning!), my mantra was Life for Life's sake. I am not beholden to the "do and do,"
The funny thing is, today I feel like I've been resurrected. It doesn't matter what I "do," it is just good to be upright. It is good to be breathing. And the sense of sliding backwards has dissipated like smoke in the wind. This seems to be part of the answer to the question "What was THAT about??1??" Like the sermon by S.M. Lockridge, "It's Friday, but Sunday's comin'!". Sunday always comes.
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